Update (long overdue)

Oh dear. It has been a long time. A lot has changed.

I got a "good job" from my editor today on a story I wrote about the Huntington County 4-H Fair's Cat Show. She said I made it sound more interesting than it actually was. Honestly, it was SO uninteresting anyway that it wasn't much of a challenge to make it sound better.

I received praise on my story about a theater production that was shut down, too. I wish I felt like I was actually working for the praise, but the effort goes into the information-gathering rather than into the writing process. By the time I've interviewed and shot photos and driven around everywhere, there is little time to spend on the craft. I really shouldn't complain about compliments, though, huh?

I wish I could say I love my job, but I don't love my job. I love aspects -- like meeting tons of new people and hearing their thank yous and wearing pencil skirts to work (actually I hate wearing the skirts and heels... there is nothing more uncomfortable... but they make me feel somewhat important at least). I don't love everything, though, like the fact that my boss is deaf and I therefore have to repeat everything I say (anyone who knows me slightly well knows how much I hate having to repeat myself), and the stress of meeting a deadline in one hour when you still have four stories to write, and the fact that everyone around here is always getting fired for no reason other than the fact that this company is scandalous and money-hungry.

I love Wendy. I love her especially when she makes karate motions at her crotch whenever she wants to take a smoke break. I love it that she has no problem supplying me with a cigarette for every one of our smoke breaks. She's hilarious. She makes working here more bearable.

I love that Drew is, admittedly so, like an older brother to me, and I, his baby sister. We've only know each other for a few months, but we've bonded together. I never thought I'd find that missing relationship within my workplace, in a grumpy and cynical, atheist yet disgustingly optimistic coworker. I love that it's usually just us in the office, and he sits across from me playing some stupid game or being way too overeager to write (the part he loves best) and occasionally says, "What's your deal, Carrie?" or makes disapproving noises at me for no reason, to which I respond with "Nada, what's your problem?" or make fun of his tendency to say retarded wangster things constantly (and he is OH-SO-WHITE too). I can tell him everything -- and I have (mostly) -- and he tells me I'm an idiot or that I'm "such a stud," depending on the story I share. I love that, for the first time, there is no awkward I'm-sorta-attracted-to-him/her-but-want-us-to-just-be-friends-but-it-never-works-out-like-that kind of situation. I know that Drew and I will never cross that line because he's too dorky and I'm too careless and he cares too much about being a work-horse or sleeping and I care more about actually having friends.

I'm glad Kelsye is here. I still find it crazy that she is, but I haven't shared so much laughter and so much in common with anyone besides the Colorado girls EVER, so it's great. I finally have an ally in the state of Indiana -- thank JESUS.

I don't like that I'm alone when she's gone, though. That I have no mom & dad's house to go to and no one to come home to, when Jo isn't here. I don't like that I have to shove a "Parenting" magazine as far under the couch as it will go before I start to cry with regret and the temptation to hope for things I have realized will never come to be.

I know I've always been this depressed. I'm annoyed at it. I started out with stuff to hate and cry over, though. What do you want from me?

I'm at work, writing this. I cleaned the house a little. I tried to play with the two new cats, Alice and Sopapilla, but they're both too wary of each other and my house and me to come out or come downstairs. I called my sister, but our schedules never coordinate to when I ACTUALLY really do have something to say and need someone to listen. I called Jake and tried to convince him to let me let him go see Jack Johnson, even without me, but he avoided it. That's just the way he is. It will always piss me off.

We're going to talk about custody and divorce on Friday -- isn't that gross? We'll probably get no where, because we can clearly never get anywhere together.

All the people I thought were only there because of some hidden motive are all gone now. Is it because they really did have hidden motives and I wouldn't play along, or is it because I drove them away believing they had motives when really they were trying to love me and I didn't understand it? I supposed I will always wonder. There are a lot of things I will never know.

God, there are so many! Like........ even people I really DID open up to have disappeared, people I thought legitimately gave a shit about me. They're all gone. I mean, my mom is still here. And my sisters. And Kelsye's still here but give it time. She hasn't been around long enough, probably. It's whatever, really. It's sort of a jab back at them for fulfilling my intuitions. I told them I was fucked up and too complicated and too hurt and I guess I was all those things, enough, that they got too tired to keep trying. I didn't believe in them, that they'd be able to handle it, so they all got fed up. It's pathetic. Isn't there anyone out there who is actually as strong and as patient and as considerate of someone beside themselves who gets it? I can't believe I was one of those charities for them. I can't believe I used to treat people that way, too. What a mess. It makes me want to vomit everywhere thinking about it and them and their extreme arrogance about sucking SO HARD.

My sister isn't like that. She's more like me. She wants to slaughter them all too. Hahahahahaha. Okay, not slaughter, but it makes us so freaking angry, to be pitied by people who are so freaking pathetic.

Shout out to STEPHANIE though because she's still a loyal fan apparently and that's hard to come by in a world that's so selfish. But then again, Stephanie has always seemed to me to be so above all that bull. Thank God people like that exist.

God is a crutch. Here's the thing: I have never met so many joyful and vulnerable and life-loving and confident and considerate and honest people in a people-group than I have in Atheists. They're the best thing ever. They all have these things in common and I BEG someone to tell me these aren't admirable qualities: They all believe in the truth beyond all else. They all believe in being honest and not lying. They all believe in enjoying life and doing great things and taking care of business. They have great work ethic. They LOVE love love to laugh and they do it heartily. They avoid tears and prefer strength and growth. They aren't afraid to be obsessed with comic books or to cuss in public for fear they might "offend" someone. They're not afraid to just BE. They stand for what they believe in without question and they do what they want because they KNOW that NO ONE knows what the hell is going on anyway. They don't judge unless it's surface and harmless or extremely deserved. They are kind and friendly to everyone and have no problem opening up.

I've realized my problem. I have always been surrounded by people who pretend like they actually believe they have an answer. The great thing about atheists is that the only thing they know is that no one can really know, anything. So they just full-fledged go with whatever they know the most and DO and BE and CREATE. It's beautiful. Again, I'm so disgusted with allllll the people who treat atheists ESPECIALLY as charity. They're such idiots. Seriously. (I can hear my sister echoing "seriously" right now, like she always does when we're on one of these rants about assholes.)

Anyway, I have to get off this subject because I'm beginning to sound like one of those assholes.

I should probably go home and watch "Lovely Bones" because I've had it rented for like 12 days and it's way overdue. I'll probably be scared, and cry. I'll probably write. (I'm working on THE book :)) I'll probably think of Jo and miss her too much for my heart to handle and I'll think of Jake and wish he wasn't one of those assholes and would let me love him, and I'll think of Seth and how afraid I am to commit to anything ever again. I'll probably call a bunch of people to keep from feeling lonely.

This has been good. I needed to do this. It has been too long. It will help me get healthy. Thanks, Stephanie.