God Today

God, today, told me that I am his daughter, that he loves me more than I can imagine.

Here's how the convo went:



Me: "Why can't I feel you? Why are you so distant? I don't want to sing it without feeling it. I don't want to merely 'get it'."

God: "Any acceptance of the 'world' is a rejection of me."

Me: "Frick..I know. I don't know why I do it, and I don't know how not to. I just want to feel you again....always."



[So he gave me some feeling, during communion, during the "Oh, the wonderful cross" song. And the cross isn't what usually gets me, but he used it today, to fulfill my request. And then I told Jake about it. I told him about my frustrations with fighting my humanness and hating it and being bored with how dumb I can be. And then...]



God: "You're my cherished daughter, and I want what's best for you, and I'm trying to show you, but you keep choosing your own way. I know what your heart wants.. I know what it's missing.. and I want to give those things to you but I can't do that unless you stop trying to do it for yourself."



And I cried, a lot, because I know it's true. I know that, until I give him control and let him bring the things I long for into my life, unless I stop trying to gain those things for myself, I will only have cheapened, unfulfilling versions of the Real Thing. I get it..but again...I'm afraid to lose what I already have (even if it's not that great), because it's something and something feels better than a possible nothing, even though I know in my heart that God doesn't fail to come through, that he won't break his promise to take care of my heart.



Maybe I'll eventually explain my struggle. Maybe I'll eventually give it a title and its own post.......but for now I'm too sensitive and have way too much school crap to do. And my current struggle is falling asleep too soon!!



But I love God, and I love that he's my dad. I just wish he could come to Parents' Weekend, that's all.