It's the hunger.

Sam is here tonight. We've watched the first disk of OTH (if you don't know what that stands for, you are missing out on some true pleasure in television-watching.) But I can't stay up watching how life should play out; all I can do for right now is write about how life doesn't. It just doesn't.

I have a "book" I am supposed to review for Hensley, and I don't know when the due date is, but I'm sure I should start working on it. The only problem is that it is (ideally) a soon-to-be devotional for married couples, and at this time in my life, I know nothing about marriage.

There have been a lot of people working on interventions lately, for Jake and I, trying to save us, but I'm having trouble figuring out what they're trying to save. I can sort of see it, as if it's off in the distance up in front of a car in a morning fog, but it's not quite clear. How can anyone save something they don't really know? They might have the want-to, but unless you know how to save it or what's really threatening it, how can you have any chance at being it's hero?

The appeal of Jesus for some is that he "saved" us from our sins before we even existed, before he ever knew who we were because we hadn't even been born yet, but we're told often, as a deterant from believing that we're completely alone and uncared for, that God knit us together, that he knew us before we knew us, and we're taught as part of a Christian education that Jesus was with God from the beginning, that God is omnipresent, and that Jesus is God. If all that we've been taught is true, how could he not have known, from the beginning, exactly what he'd be saving? Those who are attempting, lately, to do the saving in our lives claim to be followers of Jesus, yet they know nothing about what they're so determined to save.

I wish I didn't see all of the between-the-lines bullshit, I really do. But I do. I was taught from an early early age that the between-the-lines exists, and after living so long in a life where the lines couldn't be trusted, all I know now is what reveals itself to me in between the words people say and claim, and I can't help that. Now, when people speak with tenderness, I see the hypocrisy and self-gain from their "care", and I really don't think it matters how long or how hard someone fights to form the words, I will always see the lines for what's between.

I don't even know who or what needs to be saved these days. All I know is that there is no touch of a loving savior and no intervention worth believing, not here.

Question #10

(This question is my own.) What is love?? (Seems simple..but.........)



Does anyone really know what love is? What did the linguists mean when they first uttered the word love? Did they have any idea how explosive this word would become? Were they so unable to comprehend the magnitude, the plethora of meaning that would too soon be jammed into a single syllable? What about all the different kinds of love? It's a verb and a noun, even in its simplest form! People hate it and love it (but what does it mean to love love??). Some say love hurts. Some say it's what makes the world go 'round. Maybe it does it all. But whatever it does, we all seem to agree that it is important to believe in one's own definition and to love in that way. So I find myself wondering, what kind of love do I believe in and how will I, too, love?



I look to some of the greats, some of the wise, to find a love that will work for me. I'm giving Bob Marley the first word, because he says there's "one love" and I'm interested in the simple. Despite his short lapse of confusion in his song "Is This Love", I believe he is one of those closest to really getting it, or at least really getting anything I could agree on. (Feel free to look up the full lyrics, but for now I'm breaking it down for the sake of being concise.) In his song "One Love", he seems to imply that there is only one love and that one love is synonymous (or, perhaps, deeply and fully connected) to one heart. But whose heart? The rest of the song implies that the "one heart" belongs to a creator, to "the Lord" whom he praises and, subsequently, "feel(s) all right." (Note that it is not saying that he feels "alright", which would conote a feeling of sober contentment, but he writes it "all right", as if to say that he can feel no wrong when praising the Lord, the One Heart, the One Love. This song provides a definition of sorts for the noun form of the word love, but does it efficiently provide a definition for the verb form? One could suggest that in order to love, one must praise the Lord and furthermore, "together to fight this Holy Armageddon." I can guess that if I were to approach Bob and ask how to love, if he were act consistently and not betray the song, he would advise me to love the Lord, and having referenced the Armageddon made known in Revelations, he would surely suggest I read the Bible in order to know just how to love. Hmm...who could have predicted that the face of an illegal narcotic is an evangelical Christian at the core? (I'll have to remember to reference ole Marley in my upcoming article about how much God loves pot..)


Next up is Lady Gaga, because her hidden face is one of the biggest faces of current pop culture. A little bit of background: she's crazy (like actually crazy), really blonde, has some of the strangest music videos you've ever seen and certainly the craziest outfits you've ever seen, she's possibly a hermaphrodite, probably bisexual, and she's pretty much my music idol. As for what she says about love, though, well...it pretty much sums up our nation's overall mindset. Or at least my generation's mindset. Basically, the Gags thinks love=sex..& revenge, as she equivocates the two in her latest hit "Bad Romance". There's plenty of hip thrusting and crotch grabbing and creepy violent advances.....idk she's just crazy, like I told you.

Third word goes to Shakespeare, because I'm a writer, and he was a genius. I think anyone knows how Shakespeare felt about love. He was passionate, compassionate, dark, lusty, deeply romantic, emotional.....his love is like throwing all of yourself into someone else and taking up all of them too until there is no more distinction, just a beautiful, swirling and throbbing bed of colors. His kind of love is the kind that breaks hearts. And leaves people resenting him and each other, and closed off with walls up.

I know each kind of love well. I've contributed to them all..I've participated. I can't say that a single one has come through for me, in the end, though. If I could rate them in difficulty, Lady's would be least (all you need is a bit of intoxication + a male + a female = love game aka sexy time) and Shakespeare's would be next difficult to do, although hands down is most difficult to recover from....and Bob's would hold the greatest difficulty (yet the greatest longevity?)

It doesn't take much to lust. It takes a little more to love. It takes a lot to choose love. That's the difference, I think, between the three..and even as I sit here knowing which ones will fail (Gags & Shakes) and which will fulfill (One Love) I find myself sick with the feeling that I will never (again) be able to latch onto One Heart after going so long off the inertia a simpler (and sadder) kind of "love".

Question #9

In one of his organization's polls, Barna found that only 22 percent of non-Christians have a positive view of evangelicals.

What can evangelicals/born-again Christians do to change the negative view that non-Christians have about them?

Christians seem to want to fill a quota. They don't seem to care about the people, really, and they tend to judge rather than actually know. Christians look at people like me, aka people who don't adhere to the "rules" laid out by Christianity and they judge us, which is stupid, because the whole reason they are prone to JUDGE rather than UNDERSTAND is because they DON'T...understand. The Christians people like and actually listen to are the people who understand rather than judge, empathize rather than try to control. This statistic is surprising to me only in that it is as high a number.

Christians can't and shouldn't do anything besides be the kind of people they're trying to make everyone else into. Be loving, forgiving, be good stewards..etc. Non-Christians are coming from perspectives of betrayal and abuse and disappointment,and having some higher-than-thou prep come up to them and tell them what they're doing wrong is so very obviously not the cool way to go, let's be real. Yet that's how too many Christians approach non-Christians. You don't know, you don't get it, so don't pretend to. Just go about your way, do what YOU do right, and we'll probably notice, and if we notice that it's working for you and that you're a better person than us and have a more fulfilling life than us, chances are we're going to want that too. It's something as simple as going to a party but only have 1 beer and then taking care of your drunk friend, or going out to smoke with a group of friends but not smoking..just talking..and not judging. It's those little things that Christians can do that mean a much bigger thing to non-Christians, because when we see those little things we learn something huge: you care more about being around me, care more about ME, than this or that rule or what your friends will think if they see or whatever agenda your church has put you on. And it also tells us that you're not some jerk that thinks he's got his life more together than me and therefore knows exactly what I need and has to tell me so that his amazing knowledge can save me. Gross. Seriously. Because that kind of attitude is like saying that you're somehow immune to what's happening to me..to this weakness in me that needs a drink, like you could never or would never or you know better. Disgusting. The fact is, we're all susceptible, and congratulations for not having this temptation or not having had to experience something so devestating that the only thing that makes it go away is 7 shots of rum.. but you've got something worse, in my eyes, and I'd rather die early of cancer from cigarette smoke than live a life being an arrogant prick like most of today's Christians.

Question #8, revisited because Saunier didn't accept my one word answer, dangit.

To review, the question was: What would the world be like if Adam and Eve had not sinned? My original answer was: "Better." Saunier (my teach) wants more, of course. Teachers always do..

So anyway, the reason I was bored with this question to the point of not answering it is because I am a discontented mess at all times, so I've thought this whole original sin concept through in my mind approx. 20 billion times and my thoughts go all over the place and it makes me want to die, the thinking, because ultimately I end up hating the answer I finally rest on (but it's the only answer my mind will let stay.)

But fine, whatever, I'll talk. Just be warned that when I talk, I really talk..aka this is going to be a long one so prepare yourself.

Alright. For starters, as I was walking around the Kesler Center aka the gym(ish) that I work at, I noticed this 40-something guy who is always in here, literally always, and I just got really sad and I want to tell him to go away, that he's obsessed, and that it's not like he looks any better than before anyway (and I can say that cuz seriously, I've seen him in here at least once if not twice a day everyday for the past 3 years that I've workd here and he looks the exact same and yeah maybe he's simply avoiding obesity, but in that case..well..just stop eating??)

Anyway the point of that is that it got my crazy mind running on and on about our human obsessions and how we're all so flawed which led me to think about the really bad stuff like rape and murder and even the hidden habits like bad thoughts or cursing God...and in Christianland these things are considered to be the worst, and even if we preach that all sin is the same, we don't practice that, be honest. But I was thinking about how sad it is that those things don't even matter because the real issue is that, even at our best, we've forgotten how good good really is, maybe because we've never seen it the way it could have/should have been, the way Adam and Eve saw it before they F-ed it all up. There's a line of one of my favorite Saosin songs that goes "We seem so far away from these things we used to know/We seem so far away from everything we are."

As for Adam and Eve..they had something to know. They knew goodness at it's most pure. They had uninhibited access to the God of the Universe. He was their lover and friend and confidant and...God. They had a world where it was safe to be stripped down to one's most bare self, a world without the need to buy products like makeup to cover up our shame or toys to push away pain..they had a oneness with animals and plants, nature, and everything was pure. I bet the air felt so good to breathe in, cool and refreshing.....you know the kind. There was no lonliness or greed or abuse or any of those things that each of us now carries around like we're carrying backpacks filled with bricks, like we're lugging around cars and mountains as mere humans. Now, well....we're so far away from that place that we don't even have anything to remember.

Fortunately, we have the hope (and the common sense) that each of us knows, in the core of us, that God exists and that's He's our dad. We're told in Psalm 19 of a general revelation that has been revealed to all creation, so that all of us have "heard word" of what's right and who/what we're supposed to be and of a special revelation that has occured in each of us..He was written on our hearts. Unfortunately, we're reminded in Romans that we choose to suppress these revelations and exchange the knowledge of God for idols. (People say the Bible doesn't make sense but I urge them to not give up on it, because someday..it will. How true are these passages in describing our hurting world?)

So the fact that we all have the knowledge is great, but the problem is that we know something is missing and we know something is not right and we kill and rape and become addicted to exercise or pornography or we commit suicide because we all know that this world is off..really really off from what it is supposed to be.. but we are so lost because we don't have a clear picture of what it's supposed to be!!!!!!!! Adam and Eve had a clear picture, they held a precious, immaculate painting and were careless with this unimaginably important work of art and spilt crap all over it, as if they were dancing in all their merriment and danced right into the punch bowl and now there's a big, ugly fruit punch stain all over God's world, and yeah, fruit punch tastes good, but not on canvas, and as it sits there it starts to mold and turn icky poo brown and erode the medium, just like their stupid original sin has eroded all of us and everything around us. Not to suggest that someone, eventually, wouldn't have messed it up anyway, and it only took Adam & Eve, what, like a day?? So yeah, if they hadn't done it, someone probably would have eventually done it, so sin was probably inevitable, but didn't God give us a chance to be more careful? To keep and take care of and forever remember and experience what was once so pure and so good? We had a chance to be more careful--it only takes one slip, one trip-up to knock over a punch bowl and stain the world, but just as accidents happen, they can also be avoided, and clearly we were capable of avoiding or else he never would have given us the chance to avoid it all in the first place. He never would have given us such a beautiful work of art. This leads me to a somewhat related thought:

He knew we'd mess it up, but he gave it to us anyway?

Well...why do I buy Jo expensive clothes when I know she'll stain them and grow out of them too soon? Because it gives me joy to see them on her even if they're only clean for a second, and because I want her to have the best that I can offer. God wanted to give us the best he could offer, and it saddens him to see it go, but isn't a stained beautiful shirt still a beautiful shirt underneath? Aren't some things so beautiful that not even the biggest, moldiest thing living on top could make it unbeautiful? Don't we blame the mold, not the beautiful shirt? Maybe God still sees his painting at it's best..maybe we, this, is so beautiful that it's worth it to have risked it being stained or altered from it's original design. What a loving and caring and involved and understanding and passionate Artist!

So the world doesn't suck so bad, in God's eyes, but I think that all of us have faced a time when we wished we would have watched our step, been a bit more careful, so that none of the beauty we'd stained had to be covered up.

The world would have been better. Better. If only we'd been more careful.

Question #8

What would life be like if Adam and Eve had not sinned?

Better.






(I'm sorry, Saunier, but there's just no other necessary way to say it, and part of being a writer is being effectively concise, right?)

One night,

Jacob was feeling particularly rotten about our choice.. and to lay it out there, by "choice" he means: the day we partook in the kind of sex that produces a fetus that then must be accounted for to the point of an entire life recon resulting in marriage and adulthood aka a tornado or "the mistake" or "their sin" or whatever verbiage you'd have in mind to attach to the ever-lengthening label on our lives.





Anyway, my response was this:





"We're not God's Plan B."





What I meant was: It's not as though God had a Plan A, aka life before "the mistake", and then when we had sexual intercourse he was all like 'Oh no! What to do..what to do...? Well, I suppose I'll have to do this (Plan B).'





I'm sorry..I don't know everyone's theology, but mine says that to think God has Plan Bs is completely inconsistent with believing he's omniscient and omnipotent, and aren't those characteristics the foundation of what we believe about him? Are we supposed to pick and choose which things we are to believe about our Creator?





When we look at it like this, simplified & amplified, sure.. it seems silly to believe conflicting things about God, but the thing is, people, we do it anyway. All the time. I mean..I see it everywhere. We walk around proclaiming all these truths, when the reality is that, added together, they don't add up to Truth. He can't be in control while at the same time onlooking with tears in his eyes about what we didn't let him control. He either is, or he isn't, and I choose to believe that he is.





God wasn't scared or surprised when we did what we did and, in fact, I'm not entirely sure he wept. Maybe he wept for how we felt, how afraid we were, and the pain we felt when others couldn't even look at us because of our sin, but he knew. He saw it coming. He had this planned, because he doesn't need a Plan B. Jacob isn't some guy I got stuck with and we just happen to be making it work because of our discipline and prayer and commitment to one another.





Why do I say that? Well, take a look at this realistic assessment and decide for yourself..





Discipline: We don't pay bills on time because we're too busy watching episodes of scrubs or grey's anatomy. We leave the stove on overnight sometimes because we forget to turn it off after we cook up our midnight snack of frozen chicken wings. I don't come home until 4 a.m. most nights, and Jake doesn't always brush his teeth. Oh, and we've both got tires forming around our middles.





Prayer: I don't pray. I don't believe it to be necessary until I do, and then it is. Jake might pray, but not often enough to hold up my end too, and we don't pray together.





Commitment: We've both cheated in our own ways. Yup. How's that for honesty?





So..what do you think? You think our marriage is still intact (and not only that, but our love for each other, too?) simply because we've been doing what it takes to make it work? There is no other explanation of our current relationship than: God wants it. He wants it and he wants our daughter and he wanted it from the beginning and he's making it happen. Maybe we help him out, make it a little easier, every now and then by doing what he says, but ultimately..this was no surprise to him. He is in control.





We're not God's Plan B.





And I really wish everyone would stop looking at us like we are.

Question #7

Should Christians divorce their spouses? Why or why not? What does the Bible say about this?

Ideally, no person should divorce his or her spouse, Christian or not, but that'd be a lot easier to consider if people got the marrying part right in the first place.

But they don't...seemingly ever.

But there's no changing that just like there's no changing world hunger. It's not that it isn't possible; it's that we don't care enough. People don't care enough to not eat even if it means someone hungry gets to, just like they don't care enough to not get married even if it means avoiding a life essentially void of any real meaning or happiness. Yay for a life of despair.

Why do we choose what we know we shouldn't?

Because we're wicked and evil? Nahhhh. That might be part of it, but it's probably not it. Maybe evilness is a symptom, but where is it coming from? Weren't we all set free here, by God, with a destination inscripted on our hearts? Yet we wish to avoid it?

No..I don't think so. I think we're afraid. I think we're like fish out of water. So we flop ourselves into the nearest shallow puddle of muck even though God's tapping on the glass telling us to flop on, that we'll find our glorious pond. We're suffocating in this unsatisfying earthly air and we've no reason to trust each other and therefore no reason to trust anything else. The only thing we can trust is our own fins to get us from one evaporating pool to the next.

Just today, I finished a 27 Dresses/Redeeming Love-like book called Never the Bride by Cheryl McKay and Rene Gutteridge in which God literally appears as a handsome 30-something in order to convince a modern, independent woman to release control of her life and love Him, and even with Him there breathing, she couldn't believe Him, couldn't trust Him fully, without first cursing Him and turning away. He was trying to write her love story, but she wouldn't let Him. Why not? Because she was afraid.

We dive into small loves even when we know they won't be deep enough to hold us, even when we know the water will drain, eventually, because the alternative is to keep hoping for feet when we've only got fins, to believe in something our world tells us can't possibly be true.

Can we be so blamed?

And if we can't be blamed much for sucking in the wrong love too quickly, can we really be blamed for releasing ourselves back into the love-less wild? Because it seems love doesn't exist beyond the safe harbor it's tied to. But love is like air to a human the way water is to fish, and it gets a little hard to breath without it, even if what we're breathing isn't clean.

Ideally, love exists and we can find it. And if we can't find it at first, maybe we can create it. But what if we can't find it? What if it's not there? What if it is but it isn't all right? What if we're hit or abused or used or even something less extreme, like held back? Is divorce okay then? Does God care more about a union of a couple than the individuals involved?

That's the real issue. Marriage. What is it and why do it? Marriage the basic right we get wrong that causes us to clean up our wrong with more wrong, isn't it?

My sister and I have often said that our lives probably would have been better if our parents hadn't focused so hard on being together and had shared some of that attention with us. Were they so dissimilar and disconnected that making it work together meant neglecting the four children they'd made? In that case, would divorce have been okay? My parents have survived marriage and avoided divorce for over 35 years, but what have they lost in the process?

Back in the Old Testament, or at least according to Deuteronomy 22, virginity mattered more than marriage. I don't agree with that, and neither does Mark Regnerus in his article "The Case for Early Marriage" which I'll let you read on your own time (great points to consider..) Do I agree that God considers marriage to be sacred? (Well, despite my old youth pastor's assurance that the Bible mentions the sanctity of marriage a million times, BibleGateway doesn't seem to think so as it couldn't provide me with crap..) Yes, I do, but not for the reasons our pastors have shared with us.

I think the bottom line is that God loves us and wants the best for us, just like the best kind of dad. But the best kind of dad doesn't do things for us, and he doesn't condemn us when we don't do what he wants. In my most humble opinion, God doesn't either. And the best kind of dad doesn't treat every kid the exact same, because he's aware of each kid's personality and differences and therefore knows that each circumstance needs to be handled specifically and uniquely. In my opinion, God handles His kids, His creation, the same way. Divorce is permissible, but it's not what he would have wanted for us...but a bad, sad, unproductive and drowning marriage isn't what he would have wanted either, because nothing is more important than us, not even something so sacred as marriage.

He sacrificed Himself through His son......is it really so hard to believe that He'd sacrifice an idea for us, too?

(Not that we should abuse His willingness to sacrifice, but we certainly shouldn't take it for granted either..)

Question #6

Do you think people can "earn" their way into heaven? Why or why not?

We just studied Religious Pluralism in Contemporary Christian Belief.

One of the issues we were presented with in this study was that many people choose Pluralism over Christianity because they cannot come to terms with the concept of someone such as Gandhi going to Hell when he did so many good deeds.

Our answer to this conundrum was that, as sinful humans, even our most righteous deeds are like filthy rags when presented to a holy and perfect God. In the Bible, Isaiah felt unclean in front of the Holy. Peter fled from God, stating that he was "a sinful man." In the Bible, we are told that it is not a question of good or bad but of the direction of our lives. Are we turned toward God or away? God tells us that he does not want good deeds, he wants our hearts, however soiled, and he wants them wholly. He wants us to repent.

If God were to make his final decision of us based on how much good or bad we did on earth, there would surely be some cases in which a person was only 51% good, while still 49% bad. Or what of those who were just 1% away, one good deed away, from being good enough? God doesn't want a tally or a rank, he wants a relationship.

In John 14v6 (NIV), Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

If Jesus existed and if his resurrection is true (and according to evidence and solid research, it is) then, to be safe, we should heed what a once-dead-now-risen manGod has to say, and he has answered this question by saying that nothing but a relationship with him will save us. Through him, not through our kind actions, will we be gifted an eternal afterlife of joy and peace.

Question #5

Do you believe Christians should tithe? If so, at what level or percentage? If you're so inclined to respond...do you tithe?

Yes, I do believe Christians should tithe.. but I fear I don't know a lot about it and therefore am not sure I have much authority on the matter. But, coming from the perspective of someone who has rarely tithed or has been partnered with those who rarely or stingily tithe..I have always found it to be a beautiful goal to give 90 percent of one's earnings for the church's use while living on only the remaining 10 percent. But where does the money go, exactly?? I really don't know.

I'd be cool with it if some of the funds went to the church itself, to things like maintenance and keeping it clean, etc. (Not okay if for needless plasma screens and stuff.. or for becoming a mega church like Joel Osteen's..) I'd want most of it to go toward projects, however, for making the world better, like funds for a mission trip or a mission project somewhere.

Isn't the expected level 10%? Maybe the "requirement" should be that we give 100% of our heart..and then the money would follow suit..? I think so. That's what God really wants, anyway. In Revelation 3:16 we're told that God wants us to be hot or cold, at least, just anything but lukewarm. So if we give the recommended amount but aren't particularly fired up about the actual process of giving, God will just "spit [it] out of [his] mouth."

I do not personally put money in the passing basket. Jake does occasionally place a prepared check in there, but rarely, during these days with our hardly grown-up lifestyle. (We don't plan ahead very well even for paying bills on time, let alone for giving any extra gifts to the world.)

The photos I submitted to the Parnassus

Imagination

Being A Girl

The Side of Him I Love

The Red Balloon

A Little Yellow

In His Image

The World In A Window

I'm not sure why they turned out so pixelated.. I took them with my Nikon d60, so they should be nothing short of stellar. A possible reason could be that they have been transferred several times to different locations in hard drive, etc. Either way...I'm sad.

God Today

God, today, told me that I am his daughter, that he loves me more than I can imagine.

Here's how the convo went:



Me: "Why can't I feel you? Why are you so distant? I don't want to sing it without feeling it. I don't want to merely 'get it'."

God: "Any acceptance of the 'world' is a rejection of me."

Me: "Frick..I know. I don't know why I do it, and I don't know how not to. I just want to feel you again....always."



[So he gave me some feeling, during communion, during the "Oh, the wonderful cross" song. And the cross isn't what usually gets me, but he used it today, to fulfill my request. And then I told Jake about it. I told him about my frustrations with fighting my humanness and hating it and being bored with how dumb I can be. And then...]



God: "You're my cherished daughter, and I want what's best for you, and I'm trying to show you, but you keep choosing your own way. I know what your heart wants.. I know what it's missing.. and I want to give those things to you but I can't do that unless you stop trying to do it for yourself."



And I cried, a lot, because I know it's true. I know that, until I give him control and let him bring the things I long for into my life, unless I stop trying to gain those things for myself, I will only have cheapened, unfulfilling versions of the Real Thing. I get it..but again...I'm afraid to lose what I already have (even if it's not that great), because it's something and something feels better than a possible nothing, even though I know in my heart that God doesn't fail to come through, that he won't break his promise to take care of my heart.



Maybe I'll eventually explain my struggle. Maybe I'll eventually give it a title and its own post.......but for now I'm too sensitive and have way too much school crap to do. And my current struggle is falling asleep too soon!!



But I love God, and I love that he's my dad. I just wish he could come to Parents' Weekend, that's all.

Interview with Me

Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever?

I think I'm finally happy with life. I've been discontented for too long, and now I'm actually smiling that real smile you only smile when you're falling in love or just got a major A. I love that I'm almost done with college, that I've made some great friends, that I got to experience college life a little and still be a mommy and wife, and that now I get to be a real Mommy and Wife and get a grown-up job. I'm excited about the future!


Are you cheating on someone right now?

I'm not, and I only thank God for that. Jake and I have been to some low places in the past (nearly) four years, and we've hurt each other in ways we never thought we would, but all those hideous moments we would have rather hidden from view are moments that God has pulled out for a reason--to sharpen us, to purify us, and to mend us together tighter than we could have for ourselves. And these trials have made us that much stronger and that much more equipped to love each other and others.


When is the last time you hugged someone?

Jake and Jo and I snuggled a lot last night. Yesterday was Jake's birthday, and snuggling is all he asked for :)


Do you still talk to the person you were dating 4 months ago?

I haven't officially dated anyone besides Jake since my sophomore year of high school, and Jake and I are still kickin' it, yup!


Are you nice to everyone?

I'm really not, and I can't decide if that's okay or not. I know what my pastor would say..that we should love everyone, but sometimes I look back on all the people who were mean to me and I'm glad they were, because I was acting in such a way that they should have been really pissed off, and if they hadn't been, I might have kept acting ridiculous. I think love can come in all kinds of forms, and sometimes a person hears what you're saying best when it comes out a little harsh. I know I've appreciated it, in the past. But at the same time it's important to love overall, to scold but not turn your back completely, and to walk with someone all the way.


Ever kissed under mistletoe?

You know, my first reaction was to say no, but I have this fading memory of Jake and I at my Aunt Leta's house standing under the arch between her dining and living room and us kissing there, with her watching, and her smiling, and saying something cutesy. Gosh, I miss that lady..


How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

Not sure. I don't remember when we went to bed, but I went to bed earlier than normal, and I love that. I think that's part of what's making me happier, going to bed at the same time as Jake for once.


Ever been cheated on?

I have. It's not fun.


How do you feel about teenage pregnancy?

I feel great about it! (Ha.) No, but seriously, people take things too seriously. Those who looked at me and saw a tragedy were making a fool of themselves. There is no predictable tragedy, only those you don't foresee. I knew I would be fine, and I was, but only because I didn't let what all the haters said get to me, and thank God for that. It could have been like a self-fulfilling prophecy, only set off by those who judged us. I hope someday they'll understand how wrong they were, not just because we're beautiful and going strong but because it's never right to judge another's situation. It's an arrogant thing, to think you know better than someone else when you've never been where they're going (and heck, even if you have).


How is your heart lately?

Uhh..it's dragging a little due to the smoke inhalation of late (it's only social, and I'm stopping..don't judge me) but other than the physicality of it, it's happy. I've got a great life for it to rest in.


Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

Whenever Jo wants to pucker up or when my handsome hubby gets home. Or maybe if Early or Gemma decide they want to smooch :)


Do you understand football?

Mmm...mostly. I think it's a little overdone, but I'm okay with it. It makes my favorite boys very happy, and it's cute. We have our fashion; they have their football.


When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

Last night Jake and I hugged a lot. We hung out just the 2 (/3) of us like we used to in the good ole days.


Will this weekend be a good one?

I'm sure it will be. I don't have any real plans..besides officially quitting lacrosse :( But the weekends when I don't have plans are my favorite. There are so many good things that can happen with a little time and fall weather.


Do you have a reason to smile right now?

I do. 4 in particular. I love my guy and he's good to me and he knows me more than anyone and that's important. I love my girl because there's too much to love for it to be any other way. She's beautiful and smart and talented and sweet and I love watching her grow up and being a part of that. And I love my cats because they're great little pets and they make me feel more at home. And I love fall..ohhhhh how I love fall!! There's a lot to love about life right now.


Can you go a day without music?

I'm sure I can because I'm sure I have..but there's music in other forms and that gets me by.


Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months?

I'll be in one, in particular, that matters the most, and I know I always will be.


What was your last text messaging conversation about?

Me to Jake: Can you grab some more milk and cereal, preferably some cool kind of cheerios again? I love you my bacon-bringing-home husband.

Jake to Me: lol yes I can

Me: Thanks lover

Jake: You're welcome, most sexy lady o'mine


Favorite number?

It used to be 23 because back then, it was all about me, but now my favorite numbers is 3 because that's how old Jo is and that's who/what it's all about now.


Did you deny or accept your last friend request?

I'm sure I accepted. I used to reject a lot but rejection sucks, so I accept, these days.


When was the last time you had a late night phone call?

Cheeze called at 12:45 the other night, but I was already asleep. I've been calling it in early the past couple days, and they're not used to it yet :)


How has September been for you?

It's been..........informative. Yes, that's the best word. I've learned a lot about myself and others and God and I really like what I'm learning. It's been kinda like Fall, actually..ironically enough.. (and I loooove Fall..) The old has been falling away, and I'm loving the new.


What were you doing right before you began this survey?

Writing in my "Jo Journal". It's the journal I started especially for Jo the month she was born. I want her to be able to look back on her life through the eyes of someone who loved her, so that she can never say she wasn't loved and watched and protected and admired.


What if you had a baby with the last person you texted?

You know......I would love that. I think I'm ready for another of Jake's children. He makes good ones, after all. (Except I'm hoping the next one looks a bit more like me so I don't have to keep feeling so.....brunette...around here.)


Could you go a month without talking to your best friend?

My best friends live with me, really, so I suppose I could.. but it would be certifiably heart-wrenching.


Is it more common for you to follow your heart or your mind?

For too long I've been confusing the two, but I think I'm finally starting to get it right, and God uses both of them to speak to me and through me, so I'm not concerned with following one over the other, I'm just concerned with getting them to finally work together.


Do you think age matters in a relationship?

Before typing this answer, I would have said that it didn't matter, but I really think it does at a point. Around 10 years or so.. maybe not.. but when it comes to the point when you could have fathered/mothered a child, well... that's when it gets to be a bit unnatural, I think, and natural is what God intended. Not to say it would be wrong necessarily, just that it wouldn't be all the way right.


Who did you last take a picture with?

The hubs. We took a picture together so that I could blog it, actually. A picture of us on his 23rd birthday, last night.


How far away are you from the person you like?

I like a lot of people, including Jo, and she's just in the next room. (Jake's at work in Marion, though :( )


When is the last time you were at a beach?

Spring Break '09! Cocoa Beach with Jake & Jo on our first little family vaca :)

Your ex calls wanting to hangout, what do you say?

I'd sing the JoJo song..what is it again?...."You're just a little too late, a little too long, and I can't waihaaaaiitttttt" Ha, no. Maybe not. But I'd say he's gotta move on because I have and it's definitely the way it's supposed to be.


Did you have a dream last night?

I think so, but they're always so hard to remember in the morning and it's now afternoon. Cold move, Survey.


Do you think you'll be married in 5 years?

Yes, I do, and I'm very happy about it :)


Would you go out with someone right now if they asked?

I think y'all know the answer to that one..


Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I know it!


Are you anything like you were at this point last year?

I think I'm a little like her because there's a part of me that's been there all along--she's just been too afraid to come out--and now she's finally showing herself and she's really quite stunning, actually.


Think a lot before you fall asleep?

Some nights, yes, but last night I konked out right on the couch while Jake was watching football. I've been a sleepy girl as of late.


Do you know anyone who's having a baby?

No, but I wish it was me, I think.


Last kiss?

Jake kissed my sleepy-head this morning before he left for work. So sweet.


Regret it?

No chance.


Have you ever been called heartless?

No way. And if I have, that person really really didn't know me, because the people that truly do know me sometimes think I have too much heart.


Who was the last person to give you a hug?

Joie-Baby


Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

I will be with them, yup.


What is something you disliked about your day?

I don't think I've disliked anything, really! Fall has put a happy-spell on me.


Do you think you'll have the same best friend a year from now?

I consider Jake & Jo & my cats to be my bffs and, unless they run away or something, we'll be tight as ever in a year. Otherwise, I hold hope that the rest will still be just a text away, at least.


Current bother?

I'm taking too much time loving this day and not getting done the stuff I need to..haha...so I'm starting to feel a little anxious, but I'll make it.


Last time you cried?

A few minutes ago, just a bit, but God took care of it.


Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J?

I kiss two people whose names start with J, and I do it daily :)


Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?

Basically, yes, and it breaks a heart.


Have you accidentally sent a text to the wrong person?

Yes, but it wasn't a horror story or anything like that. I'm very meticulous.


Do you hate the last person you kissed?

Definitely not.


Have you ever received a text message that made you cry?

I can recall a few times, yep.


Does the last person you kissed have anything of yours?

Everything.


Are you a mean person?

No. But I can have an attitude.


Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

Sorta. Jake and I talked until we got too tired and then we fell asleep together.


How bad are heartbreaks?

They hurt the worst, but they're the best to get over.


Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?

I've got plenty of someone's like that, thank God.


Who have you kissed with the name starting with a R?

Just some boys. They're old news now.


Last time you were really happy?

These past 2 days. I even got kicked out of my counselor's office, which I consider such a great thing.


Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

You know, it's gotten to be like a food you ate too much of for too long--after awhile it gets old and you want something entirely different for a change. But I mean, I'll drink again. There's no doubt.


Ever given your all to someone who walked away?

I have given my all, but only to one: Jacob. And he's the only one besides God who has seen it all, and he's walked away but never for very far and he always turns around with a smile on and with his arms open. And that's what makes him mine.


Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?

I've felt that way many times for too long, but it's a lie. What is "enough"? Enough for him or her or them? The only one worth being good for is God, and if you can figure that out and figure out how, you'll be good enough for yourself, too, and after that, nothing else matters.

Question #3

Do you believe in a literal heaven and hell? What happens to people who die without a saving knowledge of Christ?

This idea has always been difficult for me to grasp.

My instinct is to say that, no, there is no way Hell exists.

And it really aggravates me when people emotionlessly quote the scripture verses that point to the existence of Hell.

And it really worries me that maybe we're taking all of this a little too literally.

I'm not trying to lead into a crazy anti-Christ spiel or anything spectacularly hippie but I'm really not into the whole fire & brimstone stuff of today's churches either.

If you take even a blurry look at it, you can see that it is so very inconsistent.

Is it not hard for anyone else to comprehend a God who can one minute be the taught definition of love, a God who supposedly "created my inmost being; knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139v13 NIV), and the next minute He is this almighty damner who allows the very creation which he "knit together" to be viciously likened to "snakes" and a "brood of vipers" whose only fate must be to be "condemned to hell" (Matthew 23v33 NIV)??

Well that's where I fear we got it wrong. I think the God-breathed words of our God-called brothers of the written Word let a little of their emotional side slip in when they cursed their flesh to hot fate, and I understand the anger--I do. I understand the anxiety about getting it wrong and about messing something up forever, because that's what we, as humans, do, and it gets to be a little frustrating and we tend to get a little frantic...but to turn on each other and to insist that the same God who created us in His image and for His purpose is as finicky as our species in changing His mind, that He is as capable as we are to forget His promises and ignore His own teaching and turn His back on us, throwing us into a fiery pit forever?? That's taking it a little far, and it's a little sad that we have taken it that far for as long as we have.

Why did God send Jesus? To die, right? Could it not also have been to speak to us in a way we would better understand? To enter into our world as one of us and to speak our language so that we would better know what he had been trying to say all along? He dumbed himself down for us, and we got it! We understood it so well that we killed Him because it made too much sense, and it scared us because to believe it would have meant caring about it and caring about it would have meant following it and following it would have meant failing (because that's what we always do) at the very one thing that meant the very most of all. So we killed Him. And God knew it would happen, but He did it anyway, because he wanted to save us. He wanted to die for us. He knew it because he knows us.

Because, remember, He created our inmost being. And if we're not all good, that must mean He created the bad, too. Now, I'm not about to say that this is a big game to God and that He set us up for failure or any of that--I believe God loves us and that He has a purpose for us--but if I looked at the Bible the way some of my peers do..if I made myself believe some inconsistent bullcrap they feed themselves, I would fall. Hard. I know that because I did. I'd either fall or I'd be fake. And so I tried faking it. I "believed" everything the Church taught me about God through their interpretation of the Bible and I saw it's riddles and I couldn't make them out so I chose not to solve the puzzle, because that's what they told me to do. "Just believe! That's where faith comes in."

Uh huh... okay. Or how about this: How about we let God speak for Himself for a change?

How about instead of interpreting the Bible and molding it and shaping it and giving it excuses so that it all fits together and looks a little less inconsistent and instead of just shoving some faith & belief in where there are gaps, we stop shaping it and we take God's word (which can be found in other places besides the Bible, believe it or not) through the people He places in our lives, through our experiences, through our world, through nature, and through our communion with Him, through all the things that speak Him (whatever is good, whatever is pure...sound familiar?) and let Him say what He wants to say, let Him make himself known to us instead of us trying to make Him up. How about we do that?

Because the God that I know has shown Himself to me to be real, and in those moments when we were closest to each other, I could feel His heart, and it isn't one of hatred and anger and damning. He loves us. Every single one of us. Just like I love my daughter (only better). (She came from my womb, so you could say I had a hand in knitting her together.) I could never send her to Hell. I'll send her to time-out, sure! I'll even spank her now and then and goodness knows I yell. But to send her to die and burn and be saddened and tortured for all of eternity?? Heaven's no! I would die for her first! And.....huh..... isn't that what God already did for us?

So, no, of course God does not send people to Hell. There are hells on earth. There are moments that are hellish. There are times when we feel trapped in an emotional or physical or relationtional torment, but to live there forever? No. We are promised otherwise. We are promised that, as long as we believe, we will be forgiven and loved and will live with our Father in Heaven. And we all believe. Even if we don't know it, we do. Each of us was built with eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3v11 NIV).

Maybe there's a little tiny temporary Hell down there somewhere and it's really just Satan's shack or something and God sends some of us there when we're too thick and hard-hearted to change, but do you really think any of us are going to continue to blaspheme God while we're down there with our flesh melting away? Do you really think it's in the nature of our fallible race to stick anything out that long, even when it's clear what we've been denying is actually so very very true? Blah. The idea of it is laughable. And do you really think that, if God were to send one of his kids to Hell (or timeout, if you will) and they were to, while they were there alone with their sadness and their hopelessness and their scalding body, turn toward God with tears in their eyes and a genuinity in their heart and apologize, plead to Him, cry out to Him for love........is your God the kind of God to turn away??

Mine isn't. And if He was, to me, He wouldn't be the kind of God worth loving..worth following. The resurrection would be moot, just like Paul taught us. He would have saved us without really saving us and.... what the heck kind of Faith Story is that?!

[Disclaimer: I do not claim to know it all...I only share what I think I know at this moment in time. This is, after all, only a blog.]

Ever had a really, really bad morning?

Well, I wouldn't say it was my bad morning to claim, but my husband Jacob certainly would be fair in claiming it..poor guy..





I can't tell you how it began, and that wouldn't matter anyway, but I can tell you that it ended in broken glass, glass that I had to pick up the pieces of once he'd gone.





My initial reaction was one of distaste, but the angrier I got, the more I thought... And suddenly (or should I say finally) I made a connection. And I thought to myself, "Could it be that these simple misgivings, these subtle mistakes that build up and shatter at the most inopportune times.. could their presence in our lives be a sign of a greater break, found deeper within than we'd been looking?





What I mean to say, simply, is that it doesn't feel much to me like Jake's and my ways, theories, actions, opinions have been flowing alongside that shimmering, holy and divinely flowing path of God.





It feels much to me like we are off track.





Even what could be seen as tiny mistakes, unimportant decisions... are no longer tiny and unimportant when the aftermath of our decision presents itself in the most unpleasant of ways. Our failures become clear, our faults seem to have been changed by default to bold instead of the light version of the font we'd originally selected.

Apparently these are little reminders (that too often feel like the end of our world) that we should be seeking sanctification with God. Or at least that's how I see it, for right now. And unfortunately..as much as I'd like to say that I hear His message loud and clear......He and I and everyone else knows that I'll need those continual reminders and maybe even sometimes a little broken glass.

Question #2

If sanctification is God's responsibility, then why don't we see more "sanctified" persons around us-especially among older adults, those who are supposed to be more mature Christians?

Conversely, if sanctification is primarily our responsibility, does this possibly explain why we don't see more "sanctified" people?

As I said before, I believe sanctification to be primarily our responsibility versus it being the primary responsibility of God. And being fallible, sinful beings, I certainly believe that we have lacked in our responsibility from the beginning of our existence and continue to do so everyday, which explains why we don't see more "sanctified" people.

Just to review (because I, myself, needed to be reminded of its definition), sanctification refers to an alignment with God, a oneness. Ways in which we can sanctify ourselves are through prayer, reading of scripture, attendance of sermons, participation in worship, and fellowship with other believers. These are the primary things that we have been taught to practice, as Christians, in order to better connect to our Creator. That isn't to say these are the only ways to feel God's presence (God has often spoken me through insects and dreams), but they are the fundamentals of our faith, the tools for re-teaching us the foundations of what we believe and why.

This morning, I finally returned to the basics. I opened my Bible, and while my foremost interest was in completing a reading assignment for Contemporary Christian Belief, God didn't care why I was there-He just cared that I was there-and he used the time to teach me things I had forgotten or had not previously understood. And though my brain is tired and overloaded with school work and important meeting times and I feel like it would kill me to try to remember what I learned from Corinthians this morning, I know that God will make room in my mind for those lessons at the time of my day when I most need them, because in making the effort to engage in His Word, I opened up an exchange between us and a route to santification.

And I know that, unless I give Him ways through which to speak to me and unless I train my mind and heart to listen to what He has to say in His time, I won't know what He's saying.. and I won't know how to interpret it properly when it comes. That's why it is so important that we are disciplined in our faith and that we are continually fulfilling our responsibility to seek sanctification with God.

Question #1

Is sanctification our responsibility or God's?

First of all, I was puzzled when I read this question because I wasn't entirely sure what "sanctification" meant. So I looked it up via google: and according to gotquestions.org (looked like the most legit option) a Christian's understanding of sanctification is the "practical separation unto God," which I took to mean that we "sanctify" ourselves (as Jesus requested in John 17v16) when we bind ourselves with God and his word and his teaching, making ourselves wholly (and holy) his. If this is the correct idea, the only thing left to do is to figure out what we need to do to latch onto God and remain there. And how do we find that out? Listen to our parents' pastor, the one they've been taking us to since before we could hold memories of anything different? Or just whatever our parents tell us themselves? Or just read the Bible and interpret those guidelines on our own? Is it even our responsibility, or is God supposed to go all the way and complete the work he began in us? (I can't remember the exact verse where we are given this promise, and biblegateway.com sucks at doing its job..)

Personally, it's hard for me to assign God responsibility..you know..considering that he is God and all. Who am I to assign him anything?

But seeing as how God created us and designed this whole thing (at least if you share my current world view) then hasn't he already done his reasonable part?

I know I'm just asking questions rather than answering one, but this is sorta what I do when it comes to God and the world. I'll try.

Simply, I believe that sanctification is our responsibilty, that God is constantly moving and working in and through the world and it is our job to recognize his movements and listen for his voice and receive his guidance and the more we do this, the more connected we become to him and the greater our sanctification. And it doesn't really matter how we do this..whether we receive guidance in this area through our pastor or our parents or the word... but ultimately I believe that the most beneficial and efficient way to know God and to be unified with him is to realize that he is within each of us, that we are already so much like him as we are made in his image, and that he reveals himself to us even in the small things (and that sometimes, the small things make more sense than all the complexities created by religion.)