Okay, Seth, I'll try.
Segmented? Yes.
1. I never meant for it to be this way. But doesn't everyone always say that? I guess that's been my biggest problem, and maybe a good reason as to why this has gone all wrong. People do things they never thought they would. We can all agree on beauty in its black and white, because we all have an eye or an understanding of it. Yet sometimes, without meaning to, we create something that is ugly. Some people might say that the ugly product came from an ugly mistake, an ugliness inside, the intention of ugly, but I think we're all looking for something beautiful, and I think we all want to contribute to that something beautiful. We just aren't the greatest at it, that's all.
What I mean is, I wanted something beautiful. But I'm human. We all chalk it up to that, don't we? Being human. But it works to say it because we all know that there's some kind of gene in us to screw things up. I can look back now at every action, and when it comes to most of them, I can see where I could have done better. But I can also see why I didn't do great, too, and in seeing the why and how of what went wrong, I'm intelligent enough (as most of us are) to acknowledge the fact that I will most likely make the same mistakes again without even knowing I'm doing it.
I know I haven't done it the best it could have been done. And...that's hard to be okay with. It's hard not to feel like a failure. But how can I? If I've wronged others in the past, isn't the best thing to do to try to make it better now? But what if, in trying to make it better, I'm still doing it wrong? This is what haunts me. And here, I could lose my daughter.
2. Seth says he understands, and I think he does. I made him feel bad tonight because I told him he didn't get it, but people have been telling him that his whole life, and while I was fuming, scrubbing my anger out on dishes thinking to myself he must be too immature to deal with all this, he was understanding in the very moment. He understands more than I thought, more than I could comprehend at the time. He knows what it's like to feel unheard, to feel like no one believes you or thinks you're capable, to feel like you're the only one defending yourself and how scary and brave that is because the very notion of being the only one defending you insinuates you're not worth defending, if you're the only one doing it. And so, while I was thinking he couldn't possibly understand what it feels like to feel that alone, I was making him feel that way, too. His response to my making him feel alone was to tell me he loves me, to open my door for me, to buy me cigarettes with money he steathly borrowed for my sake, even though we're trying to quit. He wanted to prove to me that he really did understand, and he succeeded. He fought anger with actions of love. Maybe that's not so different from what everyone else has been doing, but it translated a whole lot better. It radiated selflessness and humility with a clarity I haven't witnessed in too long. He speaks my love language.
3. Bob. Bob. Well, Bob..huh. Where do I begin, let's see, he gets it, doesn't he? What good is it that I get to talk to a man in a room once a week? What good is it when Bob cannot give me my daughter, cannot win me my life back? Will they listen if I explain to them the importance of an outsider, who is a Christian even, understanding the how and why of my actions? And not necessarily thinking I should stay, or trying to convince me to, not necessarily thinking Jo wouldn't be better off with me? And maybe she wouldn't be, but it is certainly worth discussing, isn't it? Aren't I worth a discussion? Isn't her well-being worth it?
4. I couldn't handle the way Jake went about it tonight. It did not feel like love or much like concern, for me or Jo.. It felt the very same to me as when my mom gave me that homemade Bears jacket in exchange for the real one I'd really wanted. It felt cheap and lazy. It made me feel second rate, like a necessary casualty. I was left with no choice but to choose what he wanted. I don't think I have to disect that last sentence for a reasonable person to understand how that, right there, is essentially no choice at all. Either accept his terms and "agree" to them, or he'll make me by hiring an army. In the end, either way, I lose. Ron, my brother, I understand it a bit better now..what you have been going through. I'm sorry I didn't care, then. (I'm so weary from being human today. Of hurting and feeling hurt all so unintentionally.) We don't care much when we don't have to, do we? And we don't have to if we're feeling comfortable. This is why all the brokenness exists..when we have nothing to make us feel strong, we have no choice but to feel weak, and when we feel weak, we feel desperate for something to make us feel strong again, and that's when we remember what really made us feel the most strength, and we recognize what was most important all along, and we become willing, in that most sorry state, to do whatever it takes not to feel so sorry anymore. (Is it ever completely unselfish?) Well the fact is that I do not have the resources, monetary or emotionally or even spiritually, that Jake does, and therefore I am at my most vulnerable to be take advantage of, to go unheard. I am rendered hopeless in this moment at that realization, because the penalty is the essential loss of my flesh and blood, God's most precious gift to me, the best thing I've ever done. It makes me wish I'd run when I could have, that I'd let him keep playing basketball and I'd let them hold on to their wishes for adoption and that I'd done it on my own, because then, I had some kind of power and now, I have none. I am so sorry, my baby, that I've allowed myself to become so weakened so that now I am of no use to you. I don't think I've ever regretted anything more.
5. Final thought.. I cannot make anyone understand who does not already. The only way any of us ever really understand anything enough for it to matter is when we go through it ourselves and come out on the other side of it so that we can look back and reflect (the art of memoir..) I hope beyond hope that the wait won't be too long--I miss her already as it is.
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