Is being able to write important? Having a job? Playing a sport, or being able to coach it? Is it important to have friends? To attend church? To not get divorced, or is feeling secure in your relationship more important? Is seeing your daughter everyday, potentially unhealthy, more important than seeing her rarely, while happy? Is it possible to be happy without her, even when everything else is near perfect? Can anything be near perfect? Does anything last?
The obvious answer I'd expect is, yes, God is perfect and his perfection lasts. BELIEVE ME I wish I could see it through that lens.
Am I going to just be another example of childhood gone awry? Will Jo?
What does it mean to be reasonable? How can a person be reasonable under this kind of pressure, when there's this much at stake? How can a person remain logical and sane and compassionate?
How can I give up the feeling of being adored, when I've been starving for it all my life? To finally feel adored, cherished..and to have to lose that to hold onto your child, despite the unfairness, despite the vindictiveness and hypocrisy........unbearable.
What do you give up? The respect of strangers, monetary support, time, convenience vs. self-respect, the joy in simple things, opportunity, a fresh start? How do you choose between 2 completely different scenarios, both of which contain such deeply good and such deeply bad things?
I want her. She came from me. She is just as much mine. It should not be a given. The fact that it is being treated as a given is enough to kill me. It's the most pain I've ever felt in all of my life.
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