Truth

Truth is, I've been on a real "cheating" kick lately. No, I have not actually been cheating. That's not what I mean. Really, it all happened by accident.

My friend Wendy and I were sitting on her porch smoking and bitching about our men (an activity that pretty much sums up the extent of our friendship) when she mentioned the book she had just read. It's called "The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do To Prevent It." Well, I had the same initial thought my sister did when I told her about the book: Sounds to me like the author is blaming women for the cheating, or at least suggesting the men had some excuse for being unfaithful. Yes, I had the same thought (a big turn-off) as my sister, but I also have been one to cheat, and I know that the majority of relationships that fail are due to the misgivings of both parties involved, not just those of one. Usually it's a whole mess of things that finally leads to a painful end - in my case, adultery.

Wendy said she read the book in one night, as did her mother, and swore by it. So, when I ventured to the library one evening while attempting to waste time until my boyfriend finished band practice, I found the stupid book. I also finally checked out Elizabeth Gilbert's answer to "Eat, Pray, Love," a major, life-changing favorite of mine. Her new book is called "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage." I thoroughly enjoyed listening to Gilbert the first time, so of course her new book was on my list of must-reads.

Needless to say, Gilbert happens to present the topic of marriage - or, the topic of man/female relationships. Specifically, she discusses attraction, gender roles, trust and, obviously: faithfulness.

So I'm reading the "Why Men Stray" book at work so my bf doesn't see me reading it and get weirded out about it in any way and I'm reading "Committed" at home because it's less damning - to either gender - for the most part and is therefore safer to openly discuss/study. The result of this coincidental collision of two books with similar (and similarly painful/frightening) observations is that I cannot think of anything other than relationships, whether that be in a general sense or about those in the past (painful) or those possibilities of the future (frightening).

The more specific result is that I am turning into a nut, really. I am being educated and therefore feel safer, in one sense, because I know now what to look out for (turns out I truly already knew those things naturally, but at least now my beliefs are confirmed by research/history/surveys) and I know what I can do to ensure I am a caring girlfriend/wife/whatever, but on the other hand, I have so much to worry about!

There are a MILLION tips, especially if you do what I did, which is to research the topic even further. I went to Cosmopolitan.com, which is obviously a terrible idea given Cosmo's reputation; the magazine seems to suggest through all its articles that a woman must be hot and extremely sexual, etc, etc, in order to be appealing. But still, I was curious. Cosmo, like the Stray book, suggested a bagillion things to look out for when determining whether or not your man is cheating, along with a bagillion tips for keeping your relationship hot/secure.

Here's my take-away so far: I can't possibly keep up. Sure, there are probably things I can do to make sure my guy knows the affection and commitment I feel for him, but I shouldn't do those things for the sole purpose of ensuring he doesn't cheat on me. The fact is, if I seriously have to work that hard and put in that much thought and effort just so he doesn't do something extremely damaging to our relationship and to me, he is likely the type of guy that would cheat even if I was what the media (*cough*Cosmo*cough*), Neuman (author of Stray book) or anyone else would consider "perfect." Because the fact is, everyone and everything has a different idea for what "perfect" even is. And even the same person's idea of what "perfect" is changes from day to day based on their needs, desires, fears, etc.

This is not to say that a person can't change. I am a prime example of that. Having cheated in the past, I now recognize the unhealthy mindset I was in at the time of the cheating and am now doing everything in my power to not only not cheat but to stop that kind of mindset from creeping in again. I have taken the time to study my own past and pick out the parts of my personality and the setting and the relationship I was in to determine what led to such a terrible decision and make sure I remain far from such a scenario in the future. Many, many people would read this last part and think "Yeah, right. People SO CANNOT change, and you are fooling yourself." To you people that feel that way, I say to you: You don't scare me. Because I was you, once. I was the most cynical person alive (no, seriously, I could defy literally anyone that brought reality and positivity in front of me). I am not that person now. I do, however, agree that change is rare and that it may take a very specific and nearly miraculous event for that change to occur. BUT I do believe it is possible.

Now, applying this to my current relationship of one year, I have to admit I am not certain Buddy is cut out for that job (that being the job of being faithful). On one hand, this admission is a red flag that I should immediately end the relationship. On the other, though, my lack of trust could primarily be the consequence of my own lack of reliability and/or my own experiences with betrayal in the past. Perhaps I am projecting much of my own fears onto him and placing the blame where it doesn't belong? So far, I don't have any concrete evidence that he shouldn't be trusted. There are grey areas, yes, but nothing that truly shows he has been or will be unfaithful to me. In fact, most of what I know about him is very conflicting. Sometimes, I sum up his character as a really great guy (the same words his peers use to describe him) because his actions show he is a good, compassionate, responsible man. Other times, I am convinced his sister must be sorely misled when she asserts "he isn't a womanizer."

In conclusion, I don't know all the answers yet. I only know that I have only so much power. So, where I have the power, I will attempt to use it wisely and with humility. I am taking active steps to be a better girlfriend/mom/friend/person each day in all ways I can figure. But I still live with fear every day. I fear I will be made into a fool. Most days I'm entirely sure of it, if for no explanation other than karma. But I cannot control the actions of others. I can only control mine. If he cheats, he cheats, and I will hate him, yes, and probably hate myself for not seeing it, yes, but I can do very little to control what he will do.

Here's to hoping that, this time around, I am loved and that I not only love well, but well enough.