to have you around last night. It's difficult being half a unit. When Jo needs something...it's just better to be two. I understand now more fully why it was designed that way.
Anyway. It would also be really great if you gave up the battle and conceded to the sadness. I can't judge, because I have been running...and denying...but every so often I feel real again and my TRUE feelings are there, the ones I've been denying. I know more than anything else I know that you are in that same place, because I know you better than most, maybe better than all. I understand you have many people in your life and many are close to you and care deeply about you, but no one has ever felt about you or been able to read you the way I do. Even you can't see the things I see. If they loved you at the level I do, they would hold you accountable. I know how amazing you can be. I also know how lazy, selfish and stubborn you can be. I know you the same way I know Tara or Katie or my sister - it comes so easily. I know most of all how much you love me. I'm willing to bet, if you let yourself, there are occasional times when you're close to recognizing the heartbreak, maybe you even feel a little of it, that suffocating, heaviness in your chest when you remember what there was and what isn't and can't be anymore.
All I am saying is that I am right here, going through so many of the same things, and that I know you. ...That is all.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Truth
Truth is, I've been on a real "cheating" kick lately. No, I have not actually been cheating. That's not what I mean. Really, it all happened by accident.
My friend Wendy and I were sitting on her porch smoking and bitching about our men (an activity that pretty much sums up the extent of our friendship) when she mentioned the book she had just read. It's called "The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do To Prevent It." Well, I had the same initial thought my sister did when I told her about the book: Sounds to me like the author is blaming women for the cheating, or at least suggesting the men had some excuse for being unfaithful. Yes, I had the same thought (a big turn-off) as my sister, but I also have been one to cheat, and I know that the majority of relationships that fail are due to the misgivings of both parties involved, not just those of one. Usually it's a whole mess of things that finally leads to a painful end - in my case, adultery.
Wendy said she read the book in one night, as did her mother, and swore by it. So, when I ventured to the library one evening while attempting to waste time until my boyfriend finished band practice, I found the stupid book. I also finally checked out Elizabeth Gilbert's answer to "Eat, Pray, Love," a major, life-changing favorite of mine. Her new book is called "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage." I thoroughly enjoyed listening to Gilbert the first time, so of course her new book was on my list of must-reads.
Needless to say, Gilbert happens to present the topic of marriage - or, the topic of man/female relationships. Specifically, she discusses attraction, gender roles, trust and, obviously: faithfulness.
So I'm reading the "Why Men Stray" book at work so my bf doesn't see me reading it and get weirded out about it in any way and I'm reading "Committed" at home because it's less damning - to either gender - for the most part and is therefore safer to openly discuss/study. The result of this coincidental collision of two books with similar (and similarly painful/frightening) observations is that I cannot think of anything other than relationships, whether that be in a general sense or about those in the past (painful) or those possibilities of the future (frightening).
The more specific result is that I am turning into a nut, really. I am being educated and therefore feel safer, in one sense, because I know now what to look out for (turns out I truly already knew those things naturally, but at least now my beliefs are confirmed by research/history/surveys) and I know what I can do to ensure I am a caring girlfriend/wife/whatever, but on the other hand, I have so much to worry about!
There are a MILLION tips, especially if you do what I did, which is to research the topic even further. I went to Cosmopolitan.com, which is obviously a terrible idea given Cosmo's reputation; the magazine seems to suggest through all its articles that a woman must be hot and extremely sexual, etc, etc, in order to be appealing. But still, I was curious. Cosmo, like the Stray book, suggested a bagillion things to look out for when determining whether or not your man is cheating, along with a bagillion tips for keeping your relationship hot/secure.
Here's my take-away so far: I can't possibly keep up. Sure, there are probably things I can do to make sure my guy knows the affection and commitment I feel for him, but I shouldn't do those things for the sole purpose of ensuring he doesn't cheat on me. The fact is, if I seriously have to work that hard and put in that much thought and effort just so he doesn't do something extremely damaging to our relationship and to me, he is likely the type of guy that would cheat even if I was what the media (*cough*Cosmo*cough*), Neuman (author of Stray book) or anyone else would consider "perfect." Because the fact is, everyone and everything has a different idea for what "perfect" even is. And even the same person's idea of what "perfect" is changes from day to day based on their needs, desires, fears, etc.
This is not to say that a person can't change. I am a prime example of that. Having cheated in the past, I now recognize the unhealthy mindset I was in at the time of the cheating and am now doing everything in my power to not only not cheat but to stop that kind of mindset from creeping in again. I have taken the time to study my own past and pick out the parts of my personality and the setting and the relationship I was in to determine what led to such a terrible decision and make sure I remain far from such a scenario in the future. Many, many people would read this last part and think "Yeah, right. People SO CANNOT change, and you are fooling yourself." To you people that feel that way, I say to you: You don't scare me. Because I was you, once. I was the most cynical person alive (no, seriously, I could defy literally anyone that brought reality and positivity in front of me). I am not that person now. I do, however, agree that change is rare and that it may take a very specific and nearly miraculous event for that change to occur. BUT I do believe it is possible.
Now, applying this to my current relationship of one year, I have to admit I am not certain Buddy is cut out for that job (that being the job of being faithful). On one hand, this admission is a red flag that I should immediately end the relationship. On the other, though, my lack of trust could primarily be the consequence of my own lack of reliability and/or my own experiences with betrayal in the past. Perhaps I am projecting much of my own fears onto him and placing the blame where it doesn't belong? So far, I don't have any concrete evidence that he shouldn't be trusted. There are grey areas, yes, but nothing that truly shows he has been or will be unfaithful to me. In fact, most of what I know about him is very conflicting. Sometimes, I sum up his character as a really great guy (the same words his peers use to describe him) because his actions show he is a good, compassionate, responsible man. Other times, I am convinced his sister must be sorely misled when she asserts "he isn't a womanizer."
In conclusion, I don't know all the answers yet. I only know that I have only so much power. So, where I have the power, I will attempt to use it wisely and with humility. I am taking active steps to be a better girlfriend/mom/friend/person each day in all ways I can figure. But I still live with fear every day. I fear I will be made into a fool. Most days I'm entirely sure of it, if for no explanation other than karma. But I cannot control the actions of others. I can only control mine. If he cheats, he cheats, and I will hate him, yes, and probably hate myself for not seeing it, yes, but I can do very little to control what he will do.
Here's to hoping that, this time around, I am loved and that I not only love well, but well enough.
My friend Wendy and I were sitting on her porch smoking and bitching about our men (an activity that pretty much sums up the extent of our friendship) when she mentioned the book she had just read. It's called "The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do To Prevent It." Well, I had the same initial thought my sister did when I told her about the book: Sounds to me like the author is blaming women for the cheating, or at least suggesting the men had some excuse for being unfaithful. Yes, I had the same thought (a big turn-off) as my sister, but I also have been one to cheat, and I know that the majority of relationships that fail are due to the misgivings of both parties involved, not just those of one. Usually it's a whole mess of things that finally leads to a painful end - in my case, adultery.
Wendy said she read the book in one night, as did her mother, and swore by it. So, when I ventured to the library one evening while attempting to waste time until my boyfriend finished band practice, I found the stupid book. I also finally checked out Elizabeth Gilbert's answer to "Eat, Pray, Love," a major, life-changing favorite of mine. Her new book is called "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage." I thoroughly enjoyed listening to Gilbert the first time, so of course her new book was on my list of must-reads.
Needless to say, Gilbert happens to present the topic of marriage - or, the topic of man/female relationships. Specifically, she discusses attraction, gender roles, trust and, obviously: faithfulness.
So I'm reading the "Why Men Stray" book at work so my bf doesn't see me reading it and get weirded out about it in any way and I'm reading "Committed" at home because it's less damning - to either gender - for the most part and is therefore safer to openly discuss/study. The result of this coincidental collision of two books with similar (and similarly painful/frightening) observations is that I cannot think of anything other than relationships, whether that be in a general sense or about those in the past (painful) or those possibilities of the future (frightening).
The more specific result is that I am turning into a nut, really. I am being educated and therefore feel safer, in one sense, because I know now what to look out for (turns out I truly already knew those things naturally, but at least now my beliefs are confirmed by research/history/surveys) and I know what I can do to ensure I am a caring girlfriend/wife/whatever, but on the other hand, I have so much to worry about!
There are a MILLION tips, especially if you do what I did, which is to research the topic even further. I went to Cosmopolitan.com, which is obviously a terrible idea given Cosmo's reputation; the magazine seems to suggest through all its articles that a woman must be hot and extremely sexual, etc, etc, in order to be appealing. But still, I was curious. Cosmo, like the Stray book, suggested a bagillion things to look out for when determining whether or not your man is cheating, along with a bagillion tips for keeping your relationship hot/secure.
Here's my take-away so far: I can't possibly keep up. Sure, there are probably things I can do to make sure my guy knows the affection and commitment I feel for him, but I shouldn't do those things for the sole purpose of ensuring he doesn't cheat on me. The fact is, if I seriously have to work that hard and put in that much thought and effort just so he doesn't do something extremely damaging to our relationship and to me, he is likely the type of guy that would cheat even if I was what the media (*cough*Cosmo*cough*), Neuman (author of Stray book) or anyone else would consider "perfect." Because the fact is, everyone and everything has a different idea for what "perfect" even is. And even the same person's idea of what "perfect" is changes from day to day based on their needs, desires, fears, etc.
This is not to say that a person can't change. I am a prime example of that. Having cheated in the past, I now recognize the unhealthy mindset I was in at the time of the cheating and am now doing everything in my power to not only not cheat but to stop that kind of mindset from creeping in again. I have taken the time to study my own past and pick out the parts of my personality and the setting and the relationship I was in to determine what led to such a terrible decision and make sure I remain far from such a scenario in the future. Many, many people would read this last part and think "Yeah, right. People SO CANNOT change, and you are fooling yourself." To you people that feel that way, I say to you: You don't scare me. Because I was you, once. I was the most cynical person alive (no, seriously, I could defy literally anyone that brought reality and positivity in front of me). I am not that person now. I do, however, agree that change is rare and that it may take a very specific and nearly miraculous event for that change to occur. BUT I do believe it is possible.
Now, applying this to my current relationship of one year, I have to admit I am not certain Buddy is cut out for that job (that being the job of being faithful). On one hand, this admission is a red flag that I should immediately end the relationship. On the other, though, my lack of trust could primarily be the consequence of my own lack of reliability and/or my own experiences with betrayal in the past. Perhaps I am projecting much of my own fears onto him and placing the blame where it doesn't belong? So far, I don't have any concrete evidence that he shouldn't be trusted. There are grey areas, yes, but nothing that truly shows he has been or will be unfaithful to me. In fact, most of what I know about him is very conflicting. Sometimes, I sum up his character as a really great guy (the same words his peers use to describe him) because his actions show he is a good, compassionate, responsible man. Other times, I am convinced his sister must be sorely misled when she asserts "he isn't a womanizer."
In conclusion, I don't know all the answers yet. I only know that I have only so much power. So, where I have the power, I will attempt to use it wisely and with humility. I am taking active steps to be a better girlfriend/mom/friend/person each day in all ways I can figure. But I still live with fear every day. I fear I will be made into a fool. Most days I'm entirely sure of it, if for no explanation other than karma. But I cannot control the actions of others. I can only control mine. If he cheats, he cheats, and I will hate him, yes, and probably hate myself for not seeing it, yes, but I can do very little to control what he will do.
Here's to hoping that, this time around, I am loved and that I not only love well, but well enough.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Project
I am going to start a project. I keep putting it off, but it keeps reminding me and bugging me to start it, so I'm freaking going to, damnit.
I'm afraid. It will be a big, vulnerable, painful step, but hopefully it will be one made in the right direction.
I have had a rough couple of days. My boyfriend is away too much. I am the other woman to a studio, to music. I have wished death on many people lately. I must be evil. Or maybe only desperate. But I'm going to start a project, and I hope it helps me and everyone else.
I'm afraid. It will be a big, vulnerable, painful step, but hopefully it will be one made in the right direction.
I have had a rough couple of days. My boyfriend is away too much. I am the other woman to a studio, to music. I have wished death on many people lately. I must be evil. Or maybe only desperate. But I'm going to start a project, and I hope it helps me and everyone else.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Dreams are coy creatures.
I'm headed to Delphi in an hour or so to see my mother in one grief and my friend in another. I'm not sure I can handle all of it - or any of it - but I think it's within my responsibility to try.
Last night I had a dream I was on a moped of some sort driving through the country trying to find my way home. With every hill I wheeled over, I felt closer, confident I was on the right path. Each time a building came into view, it comforted me with familiarity until I realized it wasn't one I'd seen before. When I pulled up for gas and gatorade, the girl at the counter of the white clapboard station tried to help and console me. More strangers appeared, having stopped along their own known paths, and attempted to provide directions. They knew where they were going and they recognized the importance of it, sympathized with me in my disillusion. My body, even in sleep, took on the discomfort of masking fear by projecting confidence, covering up reddening cheeks with a bandana, as I remounted my shaky bike with shaky hands. The strangers huddled together to watch me leave, and I could sense their uncertainty with the path I'd chosen, and I knew they could just as surely sense mine.
It's a reoccuring dream, and I always wake up before it reveals where I finally arrive. I hate to see it as this, but I've known for a long time that dreams are witty, coy creatures. I know the dream is toying with me, taunting me with the truth of how I feel: that I am at a loss - with who I am, with what I have, and with where I'm going.
Last night I had a dream I was on a moped of some sort driving through the country trying to find my way home. With every hill I wheeled over, I felt closer, confident I was on the right path. Each time a building came into view, it comforted me with familiarity until I realized it wasn't one I'd seen before. When I pulled up for gas and gatorade, the girl at the counter of the white clapboard station tried to help and console me. More strangers appeared, having stopped along their own known paths, and attempted to provide directions. They knew where they were going and they recognized the importance of it, sympathized with me in my disillusion. My body, even in sleep, took on the discomfort of masking fear by projecting confidence, covering up reddening cheeks with a bandana, as I remounted my shaky bike with shaky hands. The strangers huddled together to watch me leave, and I could sense their uncertainty with the path I'd chosen, and I knew they could just as surely sense mine.
It's a reoccuring dream, and I always wake up before it reveals where I finally arrive. I hate to see it as this, but I've known for a long time that dreams are witty, coy creatures. I know the dream is toying with me, taunting me with the truth of how I feel: that I am at a loss - with who I am, with what I have, and with where I'm going.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I only know I'm "depressed" when I can't move. That's how I was today. I'm not like that often, but today, I couldn't move. I was curled up on Johanna's bed and stared at her when she came in the room. She asked, "What?" and I couldn't respond.
I've learned grief takes many forms. I've learned depression sneaks up swiftly, and that if it were a visual something, it would perhaps look like a violent car wreck that happens when you've been driving around carefree. And before you can run away from the feeling, a monster made of helplessness and hopelessness crawls on top of you and pins you on your back.
I've learned grief takes many forms. I've learned depression sneaks up swiftly, and that if it were a visual something, it would perhaps look like a violent car wreck that happens when you've been driving around carefree. And before you can run away from the feeling, a monster made of helplessness and hopelessness crawls on top of you and pins you on your back.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I hate coming up with titles.
Buddy is in a band and pretty much anyone cool is in a band, I've learned. We saw a girl, the female vocalist of some crappy Huntington band, when we were driving home from KFC yesterday and he told me she sucks. I said she is in a band though, so she's cooler than me and he said "Like it's hard to be in a band." He said all you have to do to be in the band is be "The Shit" and that I am poop but not quite The Shit yet. One of my favorite things about him is how easily he manages to be honest without being totally brutal. His opinion may be harsh, but at least it's not void of hope.
He is a good lyric writer, but his strength is in producing. He's best at putting words to music, and I am horrible at that, so I try to perform for him with what I can, like writing good words. The trouble is, I'm not so great at that either. The ones I've managed to write always start out being about him or some general lesson in life and always end up mutating into something very obviously about Jake or my own confusions, words I can't share with him because they are too deeply personal or would be unfair to him.
Today, for example, I keep singing my own song in my head. It's slow and melancholy, and it's basically a plea for acceptance. The chorus starts "It sneaks up like a haunting, it leaves me always wanting you to say ... " and then proceeds to ask of the receiver to accept and forgive, say he can't remember, say I'm still the one he wanted.
Yesterday Katie and I had a cry-fest, as we like to call them. She bawled about her unreliable, demeaning father and I about my error in only showing a few people the person I really am - and my even greater error in having shown that to the wrong people, people who have forgotten and have turned their backs on me.
I've shown it to Katie and my sister and sometimes to Johanna, but it's hard for me to show it even to my daughter because she is still so much a part of them, and they've hurt me. I'm terrified of her and her potential to be that way, to turn her back on me too and roll her eyes and give up.
So that's what I write about, or refuse to write about because it's too convoluted and traumatic, but it is really all I have. It's this big thing that takes over all my brain cells and leaves no room for new material. I would like to be Buddy's girlfriend and contribute to his art by creating my own, and I know I could, but I'm totaled - as in a car, I think. I am so not The Shit.
He is a good lyric writer, but his strength is in producing. He's best at putting words to music, and I am horrible at that, so I try to perform for him with what I can, like writing good words. The trouble is, I'm not so great at that either. The ones I've managed to write always start out being about him or some general lesson in life and always end up mutating into something very obviously about Jake or my own confusions, words I can't share with him because they are too deeply personal or would be unfair to him.
Today, for example, I keep singing my own song in my head. It's slow and melancholy, and it's basically a plea for acceptance. The chorus starts "It sneaks up like a haunting, it leaves me always wanting you to say ... " and then proceeds to ask of the receiver to accept and forgive, say he can't remember, say I'm still the one he wanted.
Yesterday Katie and I had a cry-fest, as we like to call them. She bawled about her unreliable, demeaning father and I about my error in only showing a few people the person I really am - and my even greater error in having shown that to the wrong people, people who have forgotten and have turned their backs on me.
I've shown it to Katie and my sister and sometimes to Johanna, but it's hard for me to show it even to my daughter because she is still so much a part of them, and they've hurt me. I'm terrified of her and her potential to be that way, to turn her back on me too and roll her eyes and give up.
So that's what I write about, or refuse to write about because it's too convoluted and traumatic, but it is really all I have. It's this big thing that takes over all my brain cells and leaves no room for new material. I would like to be Buddy's girlfriend and contribute to his art by creating my own, and I know I could, but I'm totaled - as in a car, I think. I am so not The Shit.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Last Minute Thoughts of the Day
Hey, guess what?
Sometimes, beautiful things just HAPPEN. But not always. Sometimes we have to create something beautiful.
Today, beautiful things happened in a place where terrible awful things could have reared their ugly heads. I am oh so happy to have been granted this reprieve.
BUT I want to make sure I start PURPOSEFULLY creating beautiful things for myself even when everything around me seems too dusty and dry to harbor anything flowery.
And I'm starting with me.
To Jake: You reminded me today why I blew up our marriage with a nuclear bomb. I pity you for trying to pull (another) one over on me.
To Rachel & Dan: You are the family I always should have had. You are real-live grown-ups. (They do exist!) Thank you for making me realize that I have been walked on for far too long and that I deserve so much better.
To Johanna: Mama Bear is back, my darlin'.
G'night!
Sometimes, beautiful things just HAPPEN. But not always. Sometimes we have to create something beautiful.
Today, beautiful things happened in a place where terrible awful things could have reared their ugly heads. I am oh so happy to have been granted this reprieve.
BUT I want to make sure I start PURPOSEFULLY creating beautiful things for myself even when everything around me seems too dusty and dry to harbor anything flowery.
And I'm starting with me.
To Jake: You reminded me today why I blew up our marriage with a nuclear bomb. I pity you for trying to pull (another) one over on me.
To Rachel & Dan: You are the family I always should have had. You are real-live grown-ups. (They do exist!) Thank you for making me realize that I have been walked on for far too long and that I deserve so much better.
To Johanna: Mama Bear is back, my darlin'.
G'night!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)